Bullying shouldn’t have to be a part of growing up

I, unfortunately like many others, was teased in middle school. My peers would ridicule me for being too shy and quiet. I remember staying up nights wondering if I was weird. I struggled with that insecurity so much that I felt like I might even deserve the bullying.

But that was a long time ago. Long enough for me to forget how bad it was, at least. But all of it came flooding back to me when I attended the premiere of The Secret Life of Girls at the Dallas Children’s Theater. The play, which is about the challenges middle school girls face every day, gave me déjà vu, making me relive my days as an awkward middle schooler.

I believe I can speak for most females in the audience when I say it was difficult to revisit that experience. And based on the play, it seems like the conditions for junior-high girls are worse today than they were when I was their age. The bullying does seem to stop once you leave school anymore. Technology like cell phones and social networks are now used for bullying 24/7.

While I was watching the play, I kept thinking to myself, “These poor girls. Why is nobody stepping up to stop this?” The choice to take action against bullying is one that teenagers face every day. Since most bullying seems to be done in front of an audience, it’s common for bystanders to watch and shake their heads but not to intervene.

After the premiere, a group of panelists including Children’s psychologist Dr. Andy McGarrahan all stressed the importance of being an “active bystander” during a Q & A session with the audience. They said that even though standing up for someone else isn’t easy, especially for a teenage girl, it makes a big difference

Even though parents can’t speak for their children, Dr. McGarrahan said he believes parents can help their children become active bystanders. He referenced tips from Dan Olweus, Ph.D., one of the leading researchers in bullying prevention, that can be found on Olweus.org:

• Encourage your child to verbally intervene if it is safe to do so, by saying such things as: “Cool it! This isn’t going to solve anything.”
• Tell your child not to cheer on or even quietly watch bullying. This only encourages a child who bullies – who wants to be the center of attention.
• Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult about the bullying. Talking to an adult is not “tattling” – it is an act of courage and safety. Suggest going to an adult with a friend, if that will make it easier.
• Praise and reward “quiet acts of courage” – where your child tried to do the right thing to stop bullying, even if he or she was not successful.
• Work with your child to practice specific ways he or she can help stop bullying. For example, role-play with him or her what he or she could say or do to help someone who is being bullied.

One way to open the discussion on bullying is to take your child to a showing of The Secret Life of Girls. The final opportunity to see it is this weekend at the Dallas Children’s Theater. Just think – this could be the perfect opportunity to be an active bystander.

The Secret Life of Girls brings bullying to light

One of the main issues brought up in the Dallas Children's Theater's production of The Secret Life of Girls, which is running now through Feb. 26, is bullying. As Kristen brought up in an earlier blog, growing up is hard enough and bullying has always been a rite of passage, but with the technology of today, it can be impossible for kids to escape their tormentors.

This Saturday, Feb. 18, one Children's experts, Dr. Gabby Reed, Ph.D., will join other experts and teens for a Q&A Talk Back session, as part of the day-long Teen Scene Summit. We invite you to come and take part.

We asked Dr. Reed and a couple of our other experts at Children's what parents can do if they suspect their child is being bullied or is a bully. And then, what can be done to prevent it? Our conversation is below:

Q: Are certain types of children or teens more susceptible to bullying?

Dr. Gabriela Reed, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There are usually two types of kids who get singled out to be bullied. There are the kids who come across as anxious, insecure and cautious, and then there are the kids who are easily emotionally aroused and perceived by their peers as aggressive, argumentative and annoying. Bullies are like sharks in that they "bump" their targets before deciding which to choose. Kids who have better social skills and who know how to assertively set limits with their peers are often not chosen to be bullied.

Dr. Jane LeVieux, Ph.D., licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist: Anybody could be bullied. For kids with a medical illness, it could be their overall appearance that makes them a target. There's also research that says kids with low self-esteem may be targets, and some kids may not have the social skills to say, "Leave me alone."
Dr. Crista Wetherington, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There's some literature to suggest that rejected children, such as children who are difficult to get along with or have poor social skills, are more likely to be bullied than the quieter, shy child.

Q: What makes some kids want to bully others?

Reed: It is a common bullying myth that bullies have low self esteem and are loners. In fact, most bullies have average to above-average self esteem and usually have little trouble making friends. It's important to remember that bullying is not a form of conflict, it is a form of victimization. Bullies often act out of a feeling of contempt toward their victim, whom they feel is somehow inferior.

LeVieux: There's a nonprofit group in Dallas called the Bully Suicide Project, and they've interviewed kids about this. They've found that a lot of kids who've been the bully said they didn't understand the person they were targeting, or they thought of their targets as different from them. Also, if children or teens are being bullied at home or by their peers, bullying others is a way to take it out on someone else.

Q: If a child is being bullied at school, what steps should parents take with school representatives?

Reed: Parents should contact their child's teacher or school counselor to ask for an in-person meeting, and emphasize that they want to work with the staff to find a solution. Set a follow-up appointment to talk about any progress that's been made. Make it clear that you expect the bullying to stop.

LeVieux: If the parents have already talked to the school and nothing's being done, then use other approaches, such as going to the school principal. If that doesn't work, then go one step above and talk to the school district.

Q: Jane, you meet with patients in the Emergency Room at Children's who come in when they're in emotional distress and may be having thoughts of suicide. How many children come to the ER in this situation?

LeVieux: We see about 20 kids a week who are in a moment of crisis, and I'm estimating about 35 to 40 percent bring up bullying.

Q: For those who have been bullied and have thought about suicide, what tools do you provide them with?

LeVieux: We help them write down the triggers that cause the emotional distress. That way, when they have these thoughts, they know some things they can do to alleviate the feelings. We teach children deep breathing techniques, or we find out what they can do physically to alleviate those feelings — like bouncing a basketball or kneading some clay or doing artwork.

Q: How can parents help their child who has been bullied?

Reed: It's important to try to empathize with your child. Don't blame your child for being bullied, and don't minimize your child's feelings. Kids who have been bullied need to know that the bullying is not their fault and that you intend to do everything in your power to make the bullying stop.

At the same time, parents can also help kids figure out what, if anything, it might be that makes them less socially successful. For example, if the child has trouble with interrupting people, it would be great for a parent to say something like, "I've noticed that sometimes when your friends are talking, you jump in and interrupt them. Do you think that maybe that bothers them? Would you like it if someone interrupted you when you were talking? What can we do together to help you to be better about not interrupting people?"

Parents can also role-play assertive ways for kids to communicate with bullies. When approached by a bully, parents might recommend walking away to a friend or safe person, laughing it off, directly telling bullies to "knock it off" or, if the bullying persists or becomes physical, telling a trusted adult that you and your child have identified ahead of time.
Assertiveness and strong social skills will help kids now and in the future.

Most importantly, make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment where he or she can take shelter physically and emotionally. Parents can help make this a reality by eliminating sibling bullying and by keeping lines of communication open with their kids.

Q: Is there a way to prevent bullying?

Wetherington: This really comes down to changing the culture of schools and other environments where children are to not tolerate bullying. It requires a strong commitment from school staff, school administration, and from parents.

A big thank you 191 new registrants!

The 21st annual Be The Match Bone Marrow Drive was quite the success yesterday, and we want to thank the 191 people that came out to our Dallas and Legacy hospitals and joined the Marrow Registry. That means potentially 191 children could receive a life-saving bone marrow or stem cell transplant.

For those of you who still want to get on the registry and be available to save a life, Children's will pay for your online registration through Feb. 29. To send away for a free kit, visit http://marrow.org/Join/Join_Now/Join_Now.aspx and enter the coupon code "childrens."

Many thanks again. We would love to hear from those of you that came out the drive yesterday and what made you want to join the registry.

The Secret Life of Girls

I can’t imagine being in middle school today. When I was in seventh grade the first online instant messenger was launched, the likes of Cindy Crawford graced magazines, and the only phone I had was connected to a wall. But today, girls in middle school now send hundreds of text messages each day, are connected to more friends than I can imagine online, and the pressures of being perfect seem to be much greater.

When did growing up get so hard?

This Friday Dallas Children’s Theater kicks off the production of The Secret Life of Girls - a play that looks into the world of a group of girls who struggle with issues of body image and the destructive effects of bullying. And, on Feb. 10 and 18 two of our experts from Children’s Medical Center will host a live Q&A to answer any questions you might have.

The Secret Life of Girls will run Feb. 10-26 with tickets starting at only $20. You can purchase your tickets online at the Dallas Children’s Theater Web site by visiting, www.dct.org.

If you plan to attend here are a few questions to think about. Do you have any questions of your own? How do you talk to your girls on topics such as these? Let us know.

• Think about the play’s title, “The Secret Life of Girls”. Why do you think the author chose this title? Do girls tend to lead “secret lives”?
• What qualities does a good friend possess? Is it possible to be a good friend to others if you’re not a friend to yourself?
• How does our society contribute to the lack of esteem in girls today? What issues do girls face that have arisen from our society’s projected image of “the perfect woman”? Consider the physical, intellectual, social, and emotional expectations of a “perfect woman”.
• What do you feel is the greatest source of pressure for teens today? Is it society’s expectations, the media’s perceptions, peer pressure, parental pressure? What can be done to alleviate some of the pressures you face as an adolescent in today’s world?

Sea World Visit Makes a Splash

A few dozen patients had the chance to shake their tail feathers with some exotic visitors yesterday. SeaWorld San Antonio was gracious enought to bring a few of their non-marine animals for a show and learn visit.

Keepers talked to patients and their families about the importance of protecting our costal marshlands so native Texans like Padre the Roseate Spoonbill, pictured below with keeper Clay, could continue to call Texas home.

Below, Luna the Virginia Opposum, another native Texan, was a hit with patients.

Although shy, Tafari the Red Ruffed Lemur shown below with keeper Clay, drew oohs and ahs.

But the visitors that really stirred up the patients and drew the most questions were Pete and Penny the Magellanic Penguins, which are native to South America. Magellanic Penguins are one of 17 species of penguins and are a temperate species, meaning they like warm weather, unlike their Arctic cousins, who have twice the number of feathers as Penny and Pete to keep them warm.

The number one question from patients about the animals was, "Can I touch it." But no need to fear, the animals kept their distance and posed no infectious risk.

Some solutions for "lifestyle change"

So, we bogged you down with the dilemma of the pediatric obesity epidemic yesterday. Then we told you that you shouldn't have your child diet if he or she is obese. And, to top it all off, we gave you the vague solution of "lifestyle change" as an alternative to dieting.

We're aware of how ineffective that advice would be without more details. So, we went back to our clinical dietiatian and pediatric obesity expert, Deborah Stern, to get some specific ways to encourage your child to adopt a healthy lifestyle instead of a one- or two-month dieting fad.

1)It all starts with you - Stern sees patients who struggle with obesity every day. The ones who succeed, she says, are the ones who have parents not only encouraging, but participating in the weight-loss process. "It's the parents who have instilled these behaviors in the kids. So, the parents need to decide to change as a family. It's nice when the parents switch their eating and exercise habits, too. That shows the kids that getting healthy isn't a punishment for something they've done wrong and that they aren't in it alone."

2)Make activity changes before diet changes - Increasing activity can be a fun way of easing children into a healthy lifestyle, Stern says. "That way, you're making it more about what you can do instead of what you can't do. You can go to the park and play ball as a family, or you can go to the mall and walk if it's cold outside. You can also set up the Nintendo Wii or Xbox Kinect and do a dance video together."

3)Make fruits and veggies plentiful and available - Repeatedly offer fruits and veggies to your children throughout the day. Leave some (ones that don't go bad in room temperature) out on display. Basically, inundate your kids with the idea of eating fruits and veggies. "If children aren't offered fruits and vegetables multiple times, then they aren't going to choose fruits and vegetables," Stern said.

4)Pack their lunches - Although it's getting better in some places, our children are still basically offered what we were offered in school cafeterias - soggy, greasy pizza; french fries; sodas; corn nuggets; taquitos; and other various non-green things. They aren't exposed to a whole lot of variety there. And since they spend more waking hours at school than at home, guess where they're forming their eating habits? "I know that packing a lunch is a time and money challenge for families, but if you can do it, I think it's very helpful," Stern said.

One basic packed-lunch menu she suggested: a wholegrain or wheat sandwich/wrap with lean protein like ham or chicken; chopped up cucumbers or carrot sticks; granola bar; light yogurt; and a bottle of water.

5) Do it all gradually - "I would advise against bombarding them with lifestyle changes," Stern said. "Maybe there are three things they can work on one month. When the month is over and those are accomplished, we can give them three new goals. But when they have 10 things to change at once, they generally get more discouraged - especially if it's 10 things thrown at them at the beginning of the weight-loss process."

Dieting isn't the way to lose weight for kids

As we've addressed many times and as you've literally seen hundreds of times on the news, childhood obesity is a problem in America. Many well-informed, concerned people would even take it a step further and say that it's an epidemic. That group includes many experts on our team at Children's.

So, it seems like we should be doing whatever possible to get kids to lose weight, right? (For examples of "whatever possible," see this story on tracking devices in a New York school district and a recent ad campaign by the Georgia Children's Health Alliance.)

Maybe not, revealed a recent University of Minnesota study . The results of that study indicate that teens shouldn't even be dieting.

Why? Children's clinical dietitian Deborah Stern said dieting "implies the starting and stopping of something. And eating healthy shouldn't be a temporary thing. It should be a lifestyle change."

The teens who participated in the Minnesota study proved Stern's point. The ones who regularly dieted, skipped meals and took weight-loss pills actually gained more weight in young adulthood than the ones who didn't take any of those measures.

The problem with diets, medicines, fasts and cleanses is that they're usually unsustainable over the long haul. "They set you up to fail," Stern said. Teens (and some adults like the one writing this blog) get pulled into them because they often do provide significant short-term results, and they see the dramatic transformations people undergo from drastic diet and fitness adjustments on shows like NBC's "The Biggest Loser."

"I have to admit that it's one of my favorite shows; I watch every episode," Stern said. "But kids have to understand that all the contestants do 24 hours a day, every day is workout and diet. They don't see family. They don't go to work. It's unrealistic."

Stern said that it's vital that weight loss goals be realistic for kids. Instead of focusing on losing 20 pounds in one month by eating only lettuce, they need to look at getting healthy as a process, adjusting their lifestyle a couple of steps at a time. That may result in less drastic weight loss in the short term, but it will equip them to be healthier in the long term.

"If kids don't look at being healthy as a lifestyle, they're never going to develop healthy habits," Stern said. "Instead, they'll develop habits of trying new diets and then dropping them entirely, which isn't healthy at all."

So, how do you help your child make being healthy a lifestyle instead of just a one-month goal? We'll talk about that in tomorrow's blog.

Celebrating Dr. King

If you will be at the hospital this week, be sure to stop by these events in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Monday, Jan. 16Noon to 1 p.m.
Character Chorus, Bray Elementary School, Cedar Hill
Butterfly Atrium, Dallas campus

2 p.m.
Service honoring The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Abbott Chapel, Legacy Campus

Tuesday, Jan. 172 to 3 a.m.
Chapel Service for night staff
Haggerty Chapel, Dallas campus

Thursday, Jan. 192 to 3 p.m.
“A Slice of the Rainbow” – Storyteller/Musician Doralynn Breedlove,
Butterfly Atrium, Dallas campus

Friday, Jan. 2011:45 a.m. to 12:30 p.m.
“Remembering The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.”
Haggerty Chapel, Dallas campus

Week-long Events

Daily devotionals in Haggerty Chapel from 11:45 a.m. to noon featuring tributes to world leaders who stand for peace; musicians and vocalists invited to perform

Poster display featuring winners of Nobel Peace Prize

Table tents and quiz cards in The Dining Car

The flu frenzy

My first child, the darling Emerson Lee Foster, was born at the end of November. The first six weeks of her life have been full of love, joy, celebration and... a lot, lot of paranoia.

Seems like all I can think about sometimes are bad drivers, BPA, blocked airways, falling picture frames and contagious diseases. Yes, I drive myself crazy. And it's been especially difficult to keep my sanity as I've started hearing an excessive amount of sniffling and coughing the past few weeks. In the office. At the store. All over the mall.

I can't escape it. The flu season is revving up. But, luckily, I have the experts at Children's to help me make it through - as you do, too.

So, I asked the director of the infectious disease department at Children's, Dr. Jeffrey Kahn, if he could give us some advice on keeping our children healthy the next couple of months.

Me: When is it safe for parents of babies to take their children out in public places? 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months? Or should they just refrain from taking babies out into crowds during flu season?

Dr. Kahn: There are no official recommendations from the Centers for Disease Control that specify the age that young children can be safely taken to public places during influenza season. The best advice for parents and other caretakers would be to be cautious when influenza is circulating in the community. That information can be found at the CDC website (or follow the CDC's Twitter account that focuses entirely on flu news, @CDCFlu). Good hand washing for anyone who will hold/touch the child will also decrease the risk of influenza transmission. The best way to protect young children from the flu is vaccination (when they reach the appropriate age of older than 6 months). Also, vaccination of all those who come in regular contact with the baby (since a large proportion of influenza infections are acquired from infected individuals within the home) is the best way to protect children who are too young or not eligible to receive the vaccine.

Me: Is it a good idea for children to receive a flu vaccination now if they haven’t already received one? Is it too late?

Dr. Kahn: There is still time for children to get the influenza vaccination. At this time, there is still little influenza activity in north Texas suggesting that the “flu” season is yet to come. Vaccination is the BEST way to protect children from the flu. There are no school requirements for flu vaccination BUT All children who are eligible should be vaccinated.

Me: Is there a difference in the effectiveness of the flu shot and the flu mist?

Dr. Kahn: For the most part, these vaccines are of equal efficacy. For children who are eligible for either vaccine, the decision can be made by the parent, clinician and/or the child!

A visit with a "notorious" patient

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to meet a special patient, Zach Guillot. The 7-year-old is notorious, as his mom says, around the hospital because of the “antics” he’s involved in on the floor where he is undergoing chemotherapy and waiting to receive a second bone marrow transplant.

Zach was readmitted to Children’s Dec. 16 after relapsing from his battle with acute myeloid leukemia.

One of his antics includes riding his Big Wheel around his impatient floor at night. And he's recently found fame among Children’s employees for the videos he and his Child Life specialist have recorded.

Among the 14 videos on his YouTube channel, there’s a legendary lightsaber duel between Zach and his “Sith Nurse” caught on camera, animated shorts and adventures as Indiana Jones and Ironman.

When I walked into his room, he introduced himself with some playful meowing. Being a bit of a kid myself, I thought it was hilarious. But I really had to hold back from laughing when he welcomed his doctors to his room by hissing.

Zach’s mom Julie said she and her husband Jeff have appreciated how the staff at Children’s has allowed Zach to be himself during his stay in the hospital.

“There’s more to recovery than medicine,” Julie said. “The staff keeps it lighthearted and play with him. It really helps with the whole experience. It’s the little things that can make a kid feel better.”

I certainly saw that's the case with Zach. It’s so encouraging to see a young child being himself, in high spirits, playing Wii and meowing at guests, while going through something as challenging as chemotherapy.

If you’re interested in helping kids like Zach, join the bone marrow registry or participate in the Be a Match Bone Marrow Drive held at Children’s annually on Valentine’s Day. For more information on times and locations for the drive visit marrow.org.