Bullying shouldn’t have to be a part of growing up

I, unfortunately like many others, was teased in middle school. My peers would ridicule me for being too shy and quiet. I remember staying up nights wondering if I was weird. I struggled with that insecurity so much that I felt like I might even deserve the bullying.

But that was a long time ago. Long enough for me to forget how bad it was, at least. But all of it came flooding back to me when I attended the premiere of The Secret Life of Girls at the Dallas Children’s Theater. The play, which is about the challenges middle school girls face every day, gave me déjà vu, making me relive my days as an awkward middle schooler.

I believe I can speak for most females in the audience when I say it was difficult to revisit that experience. And based on the play, it seems like the conditions for junior-high girls are worse today than they were when I was their age. The bullying does seem to stop once you leave school anymore. Technology like cell phones and social networks are now used for bullying 24/7.

While I was watching the play, I kept thinking to myself, “These poor girls. Why is nobody stepping up to stop this?” The choice to take action against bullying is one that teenagers face every day. Since most bullying seems to be done in front of an audience, it’s common for bystanders to watch and shake their heads but not to intervene.

After the premiere, a group of panelists including Children’s psychologist Dr. Andy McGarrahan all stressed the importance of being an “active bystander” during a Q & A session with the audience. They said that even though standing up for someone else isn’t easy, especially for a teenage girl, it makes a big difference

Even though parents can’t speak for their children, Dr. McGarrahan said he believes parents can help their children become active bystanders. He referenced tips from Dan Olweus, Ph.D., one of the leading researchers in bullying prevention, that can be found on Olweus.org:

• Encourage your child to verbally intervene if it is safe to do so, by saying such things as: “Cool it! This isn’t going to solve anything.”
• Tell your child not to cheer on or even quietly watch bullying. This only encourages a child who bullies – who wants to be the center of attention.
• Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult about the bullying. Talking to an adult is not “tattling” – it is an act of courage and safety. Suggest going to an adult with a friend, if that will make it easier.
• Praise and reward “quiet acts of courage” – where your child tried to do the right thing to stop bullying, even if he or she was not successful.
• Work with your child to practice specific ways he or she can help stop bullying. For example, role-play with him or her what he or she could say or do to help someone who is being bullied.

One way to open the discussion on bullying is to take your child to a showing of The Secret Life of Girls. The final opportunity to see it is this weekend at the Dallas Children’s Theater. Just think – this could be the perfect opportunity to be an active bystander.

The Secret Life of Girls brings bullying to light

One of the main issues brought up in the Dallas Children's Theater's production of The Secret Life of Girls, which is running now through Feb. 26, is bullying. As Kristen brought up in an earlier blog, growing up is hard enough and bullying has always been a rite of passage, but with the technology of today, it can be impossible for kids to escape their tormentors.

This Saturday, Feb. 18, one Children's experts, Dr. Gabby Reed, Ph.D., will join other experts and teens for a Q&A Talk Back session, as part of the day-long Teen Scene Summit. We invite you to come and take part.

We asked Dr. Reed and a couple of our other experts at Children's what parents can do if they suspect their child is being bullied or is a bully. And then, what can be done to prevent it? Our conversation is below:

Q: Are certain types of children or teens more susceptible to bullying?

Dr. Gabriela Reed, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There are usually two types of kids who get singled out to be bullied. There are the kids who come across as anxious, insecure and cautious, and then there are the kids who are easily emotionally aroused and perceived by their peers as aggressive, argumentative and annoying. Bullies are like sharks in that they "bump" their targets before deciding which to choose. Kids who have better social skills and who know how to assertively set limits with their peers are often not chosen to be bullied.

Dr. Jane LeVieux, Ph.D., licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist: Anybody could be bullied. For kids with a medical illness, it could be their overall appearance that makes them a target. There's also research that says kids with low self-esteem may be targets, and some kids may not have the social skills to say, "Leave me alone."
Dr. Crista Wetherington, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There's some literature to suggest that rejected children, such as children who are difficult to get along with or have poor social skills, are more likely to be bullied than the quieter, shy child.

Q: What makes some kids want to bully others?

Reed: It is a common bullying myth that bullies have low self esteem and are loners. In fact, most bullies have average to above-average self esteem and usually have little trouble making friends. It's important to remember that bullying is not a form of conflict, it is a form of victimization. Bullies often act out of a feeling of contempt toward their victim, whom they feel is somehow inferior.

LeVieux: There's a nonprofit group in Dallas called the Bully Suicide Project, and they've interviewed kids about this. They've found that a lot of kids who've been the bully said they didn't understand the person they were targeting, or they thought of their targets as different from them. Also, if children or teens are being bullied at home or by their peers, bullying others is a way to take it out on someone else.

Q: If a child is being bullied at school, what steps should parents take with school representatives?

Reed: Parents should contact their child's teacher or school counselor to ask for an in-person meeting, and emphasize that they want to work with the staff to find a solution. Set a follow-up appointment to talk about any progress that's been made. Make it clear that you expect the bullying to stop.

LeVieux: If the parents have already talked to the school and nothing's being done, then use other approaches, such as going to the school principal. If that doesn't work, then go one step above and talk to the school district.

Q: Jane, you meet with patients in the Emergency Room at Children's who come in when they're in emotional distress and may be having thoughts of suicide. How many children come to the ER in this situation?

LeVieux: We see about 20 kids a week who are in a moment of crisis, and I'm estimating about 35 to 40 percent bring up bullying.

Q: For those who have been bullied and have thought about suicide, what tools do you provide them with?

LeVieux: We help them write down the triggers that cause the emotional distress. That way, when they have these thoughts, they know some things they can do to alleviate the feelings. We teach children deep breathing techniques, or we find out what they can do physically to alleviate those feelings — like bouncing a basketball or kneading some clay or doing artwork.

Q: How can parents help their child who has been bullied?

Reed: It's important to try to empathize with your child. Don't blame your child for being bullied, and don't minimize your child's feelings. Kids who have been bullied need to know that the bullying is not their fault and that you intend to do everything in your power to make the bullying stop.

At the same time, parents can also help kids figure out what, if anything, it might be that makes them less socially successful. For example, if the child has trouble with interrupting people, it would be great for a parent to say something like, "I've noticed that sometimes when your friends are talking, you jump in and interrupt them. Do you think that maybe that bothers them? Would you like it if someone interrupted you when you were talking? What can we do together to help you to be better about not interrupting people?"

Parents can also role-play assertive ways for kids to communicate with bullies. When approached by a bully, parents might recommend walking away to a friend or safe person, laughing it off, directly telling bullies to "knock it off" or, if the bullying persists or becomes physical, telling a trusted adult that you and your child have identified ahead of time.
Assertiveness and strong social skills will help kids now and in the future.

Most importantly, make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment where he or she can take shelter physically and emotionally. Parents can help make this a reality by eliminating sibling bullying and by keeping lines of communication open with their kids.

Q: Is there a way to prevent bullying?

Wetherington: This really comes down to changing the culture of schools and other environments where children are to not tolerate bullying. It requires a strong commitment from school staff, school administration, and from parents.

The Secret Life of Girls

I can’t imagine being in middle school today. When I was in seventh grade the first online instant messenger was launched, the likes of Cindy Crawford graced magazines, and the only phone I had was connected to a wall. But today, girls in middle school now send hundreds of text messages each day, are connected to more friends than I can imagine online, and the pressures of being perfect seem to be much greater.

When did growing up get so hard?

This Friday Dallas Children’s Theater kicks off the production of The Secret Life of Girls - a play that looks into the world of a group of girls who struggle with issues of body image and the destructive effects of bullying. And, on Feb. 10 and 18 two of our experts from Children’s Medical Center will host a live Q&A to answer any questions you might have.

The Secret Life of Girls will run Feb. 10-26 with tickets starting at only $20. You can purchase your tickets online at the Dallas Children’s Theater Web site by visiting, www.dct.org.

If you plan to attend here are a few questions to think about. Do you have any questions of your own? How do you talk to your girls on topics such as these? Let us know.

• Think about the play’s title, “The Secret Life of Girls”. Why do you think the author chose this title? Do girls tend to lead “secret lives”?
• What qualities does a good friend possess? Is it possible to be a good friend to others if you’re not a friend to yourself?
• How does our society contribute to the lack of esteem in girls today? What issues do girls face that have arisen from our society’s projected image of “the perfect woman”? Consider the physical, intellectual, social, and emotional expectations of a “perfect woman”.
• What do you feel is the greatest source of pressure for teens today? Is it society’s expectations, the media’s perceptions, peer pressure, parental pressure? What can be done to alleviate some of the pressures you face as an adolescent in today’s world?

A costume is just a costume and bullying is bullying

You may have read the powerful blog from a mom whose 5-year-old boy dressed up as Daphne from “Scooby-Doo” for a Halloween party.

In the blog, the mom rails against bullying she and her son received at his school for wearing a “girl’s” costume. While his costume was OK with the other kids in school, the Missouri mom says it was the other moms who bullied her about her son’s choice.

Be mindful of how you treat others, our expert says

Regardless of what you think about the kid’s costume choice, the real issue is how we behave toward each other. It’s about the Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.

Crista Wetherington, a psychologist from Children’s Medical Center in Dallas, had this to say about the mom’s experience: “It’s really important to be mindful of how you treat other people because that models behaviors for your own child. The point is that these moms were not accepting of her son’s costume choice and that they were therefore behaving negatively.”

Wetherington says she doesn’t think the other moms were intentionally trying to be bullying but that their comments were hurtful because they weren’t monitoring what they said as carefully as they could have been.

She noted that one of the other mom’s concerns was about the child and his welfare. Even the boy’s mom said her child became concerned that he might be made fun of for his costume choice. “At such a young age, he already knows that people aren’t always accepting of who you are,” Wetherington said, adding: “These preschoolers were more accepting than their parents. While kids tend to accept what’s in front of them when they’re that little, adults may not.”

The blog has gone viral and has had more than 1 million hits plus heavy media coverage. There have been more than 19,000 comments on the blog, the majority of them supportive of the mom and her son’s choice. The mommy blogger told CNN that she never expected such an uproar over the blog.

What do you think about parents who exhibit bullying types of behaviors?

Demi Lovato and the long-term effects of bullying

Demi Lovato, the Disney starlet and singer, is in treatment for emotional and physical issues. By now you’ve probably heard that from your child or seen it on the news. Her representative told the media that the issues Lovato’s being seen for in treatment are some that “she has dealt with for some time. Demi has decided to take responsibility for her actions and seek help.”

Reportedly, those issues stem from bullying and may include past instances of an eating disorder and cutting, a form of self-injury that some people do as a way to alleviate feelings of pain or emotional distress.

Bullying can happen to anyoneLovato has spoken out against bullying in the past and acknowledged that it has happened to her. She left middle school because of verbal harassment and was home schooled after that. She recently made a public service announcement denouncing bullying for National Bullying Prevention Month.

Crista Wetherington, a psychologist at Children’s Medical Center in Dallas, says if bullying has been an issue for Lovato, the 18-year-old is not alone.

“While Lovato is not your typical teen, her example points to the fact that bullying can happen to anybody,” Wetherington said. “Additionally, it shows that bullying can have a significant and long-term impact on children and teenagers who are bullied. Bullying can even contribute to eating disorders and self-injury.”

Parents, teachers and other adults involved in the lives of children must commit to creating safe environments where bullying is not tolerated. Parents and teachers should also be aware of changes in the child’s behavior that may suggest he or she is being bullied, Wetherington said, such as refusal to attend school, missing possessions or money, unexplained bruises/cuts/injuries, reluctance to talk about school, anxiety, and seeming withdrawn.

Tips for parents
Wetherington has these suggestions:

• Keep an open dialogue with your child about their feelings.
• Ask them about bullying at school. You may have to probe for answers. It may help to ask them first about how other children at school are treated before they are comfortable talking about their own experiences.
• Tell them they are not alone, that they have a right to be safe, and that it is the responsibility of you as parents and their teachers to ensure that the bullying stops.
• Work with the school to identify the bully and ensure measures are put into place to stop the bullying. If your child reports bullying of another child, discuss that with the school as well. Bullies may be targeting several kids.
• Parents and children should be aware of how they treat those around them. Words and actions can be unintentionally harmful. It’s all about character development and how you treat your friends and other people.
• Work to keep your child in school if they’ve been bullied. It’s up to the school to change the environment to one that is safe for all children.

Wetherington said: “We hope that the publicity around Lovato’s decision to enter treatment helps children and teens who are being bullied or experiencing mental health issues realize that it is important to communicate with adults they trust to get the help they need. We hope she gets the help she needs in treatment for whatever health issues she’s having.”