The Secret Life of Girls brings bullying to light

One of the main issues brought up in the Dallas Children's Theater's production of The Secret Life of Girls, which is running now through Feb. 26, is bullying. As Kristen brought up in an earlier blog, growing up is hard enough and bullying has always been a rite of passage, but with the technology of today, it can be impossible for kids to escape their tormentors.

This Saturday, Feb. 18, one Children's experts, Dr. Gabby Reed, Ph.D., will join other experts and teens for a Q&A Talk Back session, as part of the day-long Teen Scene Summit. We invite you to come and take part.

We asked Dr. Reed and a couple of our other experts at Children's what parents can do if they suspect their child is being bullied or is a bully. And then, what can be done to prevent it? Our conversation is below:

Q: Are certain types of children or teens more susceptible to bullying?

Dr. Gabriela Reed, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There are usually two types of kids who get singled out to be bullied. There are the kids who come across as anxious, insecure and cautious, and then there are the kids who are easily emotionally aroused and perceived by their peers as aggressive, argumentative and annoying. Bullies are like sharks in that they "bump" their targets before deciding which to choose. Kids who have better social skills and who know how to assertively set limits with their peers are often not chosen to be bullied.

Dr. Jane LeVieux, Ph.D., licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist: Anybody could be bullied. For kids with a medical illness, it could be their overall appearance that makes them a target. There's also research that says kids with low self-esteem may be targets, and some kids may not have the social skills to say, "Leave me alone."
Dr. Crista Wetherington, Ph.D., pediatric psychologist: There's some literature to suggest that rejected children, such as children who are difficult to get along with or have poor social skills, are more likely to be bullied than the quieter, shy child.

Q: What makes some kids want to bully others?

Reed: It is a common bullying myth that bullies have low self esteem and are loners. In fact, most bullies have average to above-average self esteem and usually have little trouble making friends. It's important to remember that bullying is not a form of conflict, it is a form of victimization. Bullies often act out of a feeling of contempt toward their victim, whom they feel is somehow inferior.

LeVieux: There's a nonprofit group in Dallas called the Bully Suicide Project, and they've interviewed kids about this. They've found that a lot of kids who've been the bully said they didn't understand the person they were targeting, or they thought of their targets as different from them. Also, if children or teens are being bullied at home or by their peers, bullying others is a way to take it out on someone else.

Q: If a child is being bullied at school, what steps should parents take with school representatives?

Reed: Parents should contact their child's teacher or school counselor to ask for an in-person meeting, and emphasize that they want to work with the staff to find a solution. Set a follow-up appointment to talk about any progress that's been made. Make it clear that you expect the bullying to stop.

LeVieux: If the parents have already talked to the school and nothing's being done, then use other approaches, such as going to the school principal. If that doesn't work, then go one step above and talk to the school district.

Q: Jane, you meet with patients in the Emergency Room at Children's who come in when they're in emotional distress and may be having thoughts of suicide. How many children come to the ER in this situation?

LeVieux: We see about 20 kids a week who are in a moment of crisis, and I'm estimating about 35 to 40 percent bring up bullying.

Q: For those who have been bullied and have thought about suicide, what tools do you provide them with?

LeVieux: We help them write down the triggers that cause the emotional distress. That way, when they have these thoughts, they know some things they can do to alleviate the feelings. We teach children deep breathing techniques, or we find out what they can do physically to alleviate those feelings — like bouncing a basketball or kneading some clay or doing artwork.

Q: How can parents help their child who has been bullied?

Reed: It's important to try to empathize with your child. Don't blame your child for being bullied, and don't minimize your child's feelings. Kids who have been bullied need to know that the bullying is not their fault and that you intend to do everything in your power to make the bullying stop.

At the same time, parents can also help kids figure out what, if anything, it might be that makes them less socially successful. For example, if the child has trouble with interrupting people, it would be great for a parent to say something like, "I've noticed that sometimes when your friends are talking, you jump in and interrupt them. Do you think that maybe that bothers them? Would you like it if someone interrupted you when you were talking? What can we do together to help you to be better about not interrupting people?"

Parents can also role-play assertive ways for kids to communicate with bullies. When approached by a bully, parents might recommend walking away to a friend or safe person, laughing it off, directly telling bullies to "knock it off" or, if the bullying persists or becomes physical, telling a trusted adult that you and your child have identified ahead of time.
Assertiveness and strong social skills will help kids now and in the future.

Most importantly, make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment where he or she can take shelter physically and emotionally. Parents can help make this a reality by eliminating sibling bullying and by keeping lines of communication open with their kids.

Q: Is there a way to prevent bullying?

Wetherington: This really comes down to changing the culture of schools and other environments where children are to not tolerate bullying. It requires a strong commitment from school staff, school administration, and from parents.

The Secret Life of Girls

I can’t imagine being in middle school today. When I was in seventh grade the first online instant messenger was launched, the likes of Cindy Crawford graced magazines, and the only phone I had was connected to a wall. But today, girls in middle school now send hundreds of text messages each day, are connected to more friends than I can imagine online, and the pressures of being perfect seem to be much greater.

When did growing up get so hard?

This Friday Dallas Children’s Theater kicks off the production of The Secret Life of Girls - a play that looks into the world of a group of girls who struggle with issues of body image and the destructive effects of bullying. And, on Feb. 10 and 18 two of our experts from Children’s Medical Center will host a live Q&A to answer any questions you might have.

The Secret Life of Girls will run Feb. 10-26 with tickets starting at only $20. You can purchase your tickets online at the Dallas Children’s Theater Web site by visiting, www.dct.org.

If you plan to attend here are a few questions to think about. Do you have any questions of your own? How do you talk to your girls on topics such as these? Let us know.

• Think about the play’s title, “The Secret Life of Girls”. Why do you think the author chose this title? Do girls tend to lead “secret lives”?
• What qualities does a good friend possess? Is it possible to be a good friend to others if you’re not a friend to yourself?
• How does our society contribute to the lack of esteem in girls today? What issues do girls face that have arisen from our society’s projected image of “the perfect woman”? Consider the physical, intellectual, social, and emotional expectations of a “perfect woman”.
• What do you feel is the greatest source of pressure for teens today? Is it society’s expectations, the media’s perceptions, peer pressure, parental pressure? What can be done to alleviate some of the pressures you face as an adolescent in today’s world?

Speaking to my son about the Penn State scandal

Betsy MacKay is the vice president of public affairs at Children's. During her more than 13 years here, she has also raised her son, Wills, who is now 12.

I usually have a hard time getting Wills to talk very much at breakfast. He wants to eat, watch SportsCenter and head to school. Sound familiar?

Well, yesterday was different. Wills sauntered in, sat down over his hot pancakes and asked “Mom, what is going at Penn St. and what happened in that locker room thing?” Alrighty then – why did his Dad have to be out of town???

Because I have spent the last 13 years working around amazing experts on topics like this at Children’s, I didn’t run. Instead, I was able to engage my precious little boy on a very dicey topic. Here is what we talked about:

Sometimes grown men do really awful things to young boys. When Wills asked what kinds of things, I bit the bullet and described the assault in complete detail as the SportsCenter coverage raged on in the background with the sound muted. Wills squirmed on the barstool and got a sheepish grin but looked me in the eye the whole time. It felt right and good to be talking to him this way.

We then revisited the idea that he is never to let anyone touch him in his privates or even talk to him about any sexual topic that makes him uncomfortable. Thankfully, we have a wonderful pediatrician who has talked to him this way since he was a toddler.

We chatted about how boys that love sports like he does will spend a lot of time in locker room showers. I made sure he knew that was normal and fine and that what happened at Penn State is extremely rare. I told him he should not be afraid because coaches are generally wonderful, giving people who are reliable mentors. However, I added that the world has plenty of bad actors too and he must always trust his instincts about what is right behavior and wrong behavior.

I then emphasized that he should always feel totally secure and comfortable telling his dad and me if anything of this nature ever came close to happening to him because we would protect him at all costs.

That was really the end of it. He then skipped off to grab his backpack and ran outside to catch his carpool ride. Oh, he kissed me goodbye, too – my treat for the day!!

When I got to work, I had the wonderful opportunity (and so do you) of being able to call Dr. Pete Stavinoha, an incredible child psychologist here at Children’s, to get his insights. He validated my concerns over this Penn State hoopla and its impact on our kids. (Listen to Dr. Stavinoha interviewed about the Penn State scandal on KLIF here - he comes on at around the one-minute mark.)

He also reminded me of a very good point that I forgot to make with Wills. Dr. Pete said we must stress to kids that they should not ever be afraid to report an incident like this if they witness it or if it should ever happen to them. This is a crime and the police must know about it. Real men speak up and tell the truth. This is where Joe Paterno failed, and we are all hurt by it, even as we hurt for him. I am going to follow-up with Wills on that point.